When Flying Becomes Falling

Ok, so for several weeks I did just fine flying along as happy as can be. Keeping things clean and tidy, doing daily missions and so on. This morning I awoke to a filthy kitchen (thankfully not as bad as before I started flying) and an all around dirty house. I have to be honest with myself. I just got lazy. A lot of people have actual reasons getting in the way of their housework. They're busy, they work full time outside the home, their kids need a lot of attention that week due to illness or personal problems. They have too many negative voices in their heads, a lot of baggage, emotional problems, whatever it is. Me? My biggest trip? I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO IT. That's it. That's all she wrote.

I knew there was a sink of dirty dishes when I grabbed a plate of brownies and went to bed. I knew they were still there when I got back up and grabbed a healthier salad and returned to bed. And yes, when I got up for a 3rd brownie. . . they were still there. And of course they were there again when I woke this morning.

So now, where does that leave me? What am I supposed to do about it? I can't give up. . . there are those nasty voices telling me I failed yet again. . . but I haven't. I just had a fairly busy and emotional week. I didn't feel like doing anything, so I didn't.

I could blame it on the class I gave a presentation in on Saturday. I could blame it on all the work I got done sewing up soakers for the sale on this coming Saturday. Or I could face facts. I didn't get too busy. I just allowed myself to get too tired. I need to come up with an action plan for those weeks (lets face it. . . I"ll have one of those weeks every single month for a while now ~blushing~) when I just want to eat brownies and pout all day.

Well, here's my plan. And here's how I built it, so you can do this too when you come across a pitfall.

First, lets list the problem(s):

1. I start off pretty good during the day, but peter out at night. I'm more likely to give up after 4pm than any other time of day
2. Once the kids go to bed I'm just done. I"m wasted. . . emotionally and physically. I want to go to bed, watch tv, stuff my face and maybe, just maybe knit/read a book.
3. I tend to run off to sulk when I"m upset, feeling confronted, or overwhelmed.
4. I feel like The Hubs isn't helping, even though he is (proof is the beautifully cleaned boys room! and more that he did this weekend!)
5. I don't feel like the zones are working out for me very well right now.(yeah I"m getting a lot done, but It's not helping me build any habits, and I"m really just cleaning 'around' the mess, as in picking up junk to dust under it.)
6. last but not least. . . I am actually really busy (and yeah, a little stressed) over my 'opening debut' at Circle ME during their REdiaper sale this Saturday.

Now it's time to list the solutions to these problems:

1. The quick and easy solution would be to take some 'me time' right at 3:30 to wind myself up for the rest of the day. However, that's when the 5 schoolagers I sit for get out of school. No real 'me time' there. Maybe instead I could focus on having the house done and ready when we get home from school. I could also have snack set up and waiting, so all they have to do is sit, eat and run off to play. While they're enjoying snack I can make myself a cup of coffee and a healthy snack. Then I can relax while they play. I should also have dinner started/ready to go before picking them up from school. It's too much to try and work dinner into the mix while they're all in my house, and I can't leave them outside while I work inside. So having everything done and ready should make it a little easier and less stressful to get started right after they leave.
2. I can try and have my dishes and housework done before the kids go to bed. Maybe The Hubs can help with this. This way I CAN be done when the kids go to bed.
   
3. Working on my routines or other house work when I'm feeling negative may be difficult at first, but maybe I can build it into a new therapeutic habit.
4. Maybe talking to The Hubs can help us to communicate the best way to help each other out. If we knw exactly what's needed then filling those needs can be achieved easier.
5. I should write my own missions for the different zones for awhile. This would be simple basic things. Like tidying the room on Monday, then Tues-Fri detailing different areas 15 minutes at a time. When I find that it's not taking long to clean and detail I can add Kelly's missions in as needed and doable. I hope this should support my new habits rather than distract from them.
6. This will be over for awhile after Saturday. I"ll give myself the rest of that weekend off and plan myself a birthday party for the following Saturday night with the girls.

Ok, you can see how I did it, and what areas I'm struggling with. I hope that this has maybe helped you too. I am not moving on any further until I get out of my 'slump'.

Keep Flying!!

Baby Step Day 5. Telling Those Voices to Shut Up!

"You're not good enough" "You can't do it right, so why bother" "You can't do anything right" "You grew up in a dirty house, what makes you think you deserve a clean one" "Don't invite them over, they'll hate you for how dirty that house is!" "They'll be afraid to eat anything you bring to potlucks if they saw your kitchen!" "FAILURE" "The Hubs will hate you for the condition of this house!" "You make him (The Hubs) sick" "If you can't get it together, clean up the dang house once in awhile, he'll leave you" "If the right people saw your house on it's worst days they'd take the kids away from you" "You're not good enough and you never will be"

Ok, there's Step 5 Part 1 I wrote them down. Not all of them. I could go on for days, however, I"ll stop there. I also cleaned those voices up quite a bit for sensitive ears. . . they get pretty vulgar.

Here is my positive. To save time, bcs a mommy of two needs to, I copied and pasted from www.biblegateway.com My thoughts are added in pink ;)

Step 5 Part 2, Shut them up:

Psalm 139 (New American Standard Bible)

Psalm 139

God's Omnipresence and Omniscience.

For the choir director. A Psalm of David.

¹O LORD, You have searched me and known me. (I don't even know me that well)
²You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar. (no matter how far I crawl away from you)
³You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
⁴Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all. (you hear these nasty voices before I do, and you know they come from deep inside me, they are not from You)
⁵You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me. (you will never let me go)
⁶Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it. (who COULD grasp that thought!?)
⁷Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence? (You are everywhere)
⁸If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. (I believe Sheol is hell, could be wrong, the NIV says 'the darkest depths if my memory is right; So God, the God of light and purity can find me in the deepest and darkest depths there are)
⁹If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
¹⁰Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me. (looking back I can see that you've never let go of me, even in my darkest times, you have led me)
¹¹If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,"
¹²Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day
Darkness and light are alike to You.
(OK, here comes the hard part. Read the WORD of GOD carefully here)
¹³For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb. (Can a perfect God make a worthless failure? If He didn't make me a failure then what am I? )
¹⁴I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; (by a God that does not create failures, a perfect God who does not fail, who can not make a mistake)
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well. (I am His work, His creation. That means I am wonderful. Calling myself a failure is a sin. That's like calling HIS creation a failure, and a perfect God can not fail)
¹⁵My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
¹⁶Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them. (before the world began God knew who I would be right now, in 2011, He knew what I would do wrong and what I would do right, He knew where I would allow myself to fail. He also knew how long I would live, because HE ordained it.)
¹⁷How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them! (isnt' this what I should be focusing on? His precious thoughts about me?)
¹⁸If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand
When I awake, I am still with You.
¹⁹O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
²⁰For they speak against You wickedly,
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.
²¹Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
²²I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.
²³Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
²⁴And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

The end of this passage demonstrates David's love for God. We can not love God and the sin in the world ~*Super important here*~ This doesn't mean we are to HATE sinners, just the sin! If you hate any person, you DO NOT LOVE GOD.

So what does this all mean? It's a sin to hate myself. Probably the one I struggle with most. I"m not perfect and I never will be. However, I was created in HIS image (check out Genesis!) by HIM. He could easily have chosen to not create me. He could have looked into my future and said "She wont amount to much, just be a little homemaker (and not a good one at that) and have a few kids (that she doesn't parent very well)" and decided the world would be better off with out me. But He didn't. (His thoughts of me are precious!!!) Why? Because he has plans for my life. Because I am not a failure, because I am not worthless. Because He WANTED TO.

So what do I need to do with all this information? I just need to pick up where I am and start over with this housecleaning thing. I need to keep truckin' with FlyLady. I need to keep shining my sink, getting dressed to the shoes, reading FlyLady posts, doing zone work and THINKING POSITIVE. I don't' have to go so far as to become conceited for start to think my stuff don't stink. . . I just need to remember that I am not a worthless lump of flesh. My husband loves me, my kids love me (even when Dizzy says "no, I love pancakes!") and need me. I will get up and make this house a home. It may never get to be 'sparkling clean' but it will look nice. It will not be an embarrassment when the Hoover Salesman busts his way through my door and shows me the uses for a vacuum in a carpet-less house (you should have seen the horror on my face when he showed me what filth lay on my ceiling fan. . . .I had no idea you were supposed to clean that!). My house will be a safe place for my boys to bring their friends over. I will have cookies to serve and crafts to make (or whatever it is that big boys like to do!) My house will be a home.

I am good enough to clean house, raise children and be loved by The Hubs. If I do it wrong the first time I am good enough to try it again, and keep trying until I get it right. No one will be angry at my failure. The house I grew up in is a motivation to keep my own clean, I can break the dirty house cycle. A true friend will love me no matter what my house looks like. People rave about my cakes and love my food. I AM NOT A FAILURE. The Hubs has reassured me there is nothing that would make him leave me, or hate me. He's proven this time and time again. My house is not a danger to my kids, my self hatred is. I am good enough because God made me good enough. HE does not make failures. He does not make mistakes. People allow themselves to be failures. I will not fail. I WILL FLY FREE.

Last week we were in Zone 3 the bathroom and extra room. The extra room was Office. My bathroom is sparkling and the kids I sit for were very impressed with my 'office', aka the desk in the dining room ;)

This week we are in Zone 4 (see above link) which is the Master Bedroom, Thank you Dear Lord God! This will probably be the hugest blessing to The Hubs, and in turn to myself ;) My habit this week is Day 6: clearing hot spots. So here goes. My hot spot that I"m going to deal with is the one that's created a forest fire along the wall in my bedroom. It's gotten so there is only the smallest of paths through our room. Especially now that we have a new queen bed. I am also going to try and get up early everyday to crack open my bible and go for a walk before everyone else gets up. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays one of my 3 bff's gives me a wake up call to get up and go. . . so those days should be no brainers, it's Tuesday and Thursday I'm worried about. The weekends will be my days off ;)

If you ever want to email me on FlyLady related stuff my address is:
"iwillflyfree @ gmail dot com"

As always I'll report back on Tuesday ;)